Would you rather…?
Which voice
would you rather have running the hamster wheel in your brain? (Please tell me I’m not the only one with
voices in my head!!) Which would you
rather have bouncing off the walls of your home at high decimal volumes? Which would you rather have running in your
kids’ hamster wheels?
POSITIVE. POSITIVE.
POSITIVE.
or
NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE.
NEGATIVE.
Without a
doubt, the best advice on raising kids that I’ve ever gotten (besides, “be
consistent,”) was, “SAY THE POSITIVE!!!”
This came from one of our marriage counselors. (Yes, I advocate counseling. You would too, if you were married to
me.) Think about it. “Don’t spill the milk!” vs. “Carry the milk
carefully!” You are literally creating
that mommy voice that will guide (or haunt) your kid from inside their head F O
R E V E R ! ! ! You are also setting the
tone for your home and communicating many other insinuated attitudes.
For example,
if your kid’s brain latches onto the verb, then your options are either,
“spill” or, “carry”. If they are more of
an adverb person, then we’re looking at either, “don’t” or, “carefully”. Which words would you rather be running
around you toddler’s head as they totter across the kitchen floor with a cupful
of milk?
Do you realize
that God HARD WIRED (!!!!!!!!!!!)
babies to be CURIOUS? Look it up.
Adjective
1. Eager to know or learn; inquisitive
2. Prying; meddlesome
3. Arousing or exciting speculation,
interest, or attention
through being inexplicable or highly unusual; odd; strange
through being inexplicable or highly unusual; odd; strange
(From http://dictionary.reference.com/)
And what do
we say to these curios beings for the first three years? … “Stop!” “Don’t!”
“NO!” With great consistency and increasing volume we say these things!!!
And for good cause, too! For
protection!!! From flying coffee mugs! From being used as subjects by Dr. Sibling for
eye operations and nasal cavity capacity tests!
From gravitational experiments!
This is SERIOUS life and death stuff!!!
And it’s our job to navigate this curiosity with them. We are the ones responsible for setting the
tone on this journey!
What would
happen to me, I wonder, if someone consistently told me, “NO!”? ...
“Don’t!” “Don’t!” “Don’t!”
“No!” “No!” “No!”
“Stop!” “Stop!” “Stop!”
FOR THREE YEARS!!???!!! I think I
would get so hot I’d just explode in rage, thrashing across the floor! Or the table!
Or, maybe, I’d become so disheartened, I’d just shut down. Oh wait! I know!
I might just break a rule right in your face with my tongue stuck out
for good measure!!! Just to show you. … Oh boy!
Now I’m sounding like a toddler!
As parents,
we can see it coming a mile away. I see
my girls dealing with the same things I remember dealing with…and I FREAK OUT
about all the heartache and the potholes and all the lessons I’ve learned the
hard way…and so AAAALLLLLL THAT fear comes out in my, “STOP!!!” (Am I
the only one that gets so worked up about this stuff?) I feel like my, “please let mommy pee by
herself,” speech turns into a short lecture on the omnipresence of God and our
need to trust Him. (My poor kids!) Life’s not always so dramatic, but to me,
sometimes it feels that way. So when I
see it coming, I get fearful of all that could go wrong. And I start throwing road blocks. (And I’m
just trying to be a good mom!) “Don’t go
that way, go here.” “Don’t do
that!” “Don’t think that way; you have
no idea how big and ugly that will get!”
“Crossing the street can KILL YOU!!!”
(Who hasn’t said that?)
So when the RED ALERT sirens go off in my brain and I can hear the sharp intake of oxygen and feel my pupils expanding to panic size…I had to TRAIN myself to stop and assess the situation: What’s going on RIGHT NOW? What are they trying to do? Why do I think are they doing that? Is it curiosity or disobedience? Is it something that’s too risky for their age/skill level? And after I’ve mentally taken a deep breath, I can engage with them without all that crazy fear running circles inside my head. (It’s great!) Instead of, “Don’t touch that!” I can calmly ask, “Are you trying to get that?” This is another form of saying the positive; affirming them, validating their interest – even if it’s a temptation they are learning to resist – and STARTING with a warm, positive tone. Then I can navigate the situation with them. Teach them about it. And get in that lecture on trusting God ;) And it gives us an open avenue to dialogue about it. About life. It creates an opportunity for me to mirror God’s grace and also get some insight into my kids. What’s going on with them, in their hearts and minds and moods? IT’S AWESOME!!!!! (AWESOME!!!!!!!)
So when the RED ALERT sirens go off in my brain and I can hear the sharp intake of oxygen and feel my pupils expanding to panic size…I had to TRAIN myself to stop and assess the situation: What’s going on RIGHT NOW? What are they trying to do? Why do I think are they doing that? Is it curiosity or disobedience? Is it something that’s too risky for their age/skill level? And after I’ve mentally taken a deep breath, I can engage with them without all that crazy fear running circles inside my head. (It’s great!) Instead of, “Don’t touch that!” I can calmly ask, “Are you trying to get that?” This is another form of saying the positive; affirming them, validating their interest – even if it’s a temptation they are learning to resist – and STARTING with a warm, positive tone. Then I can navigate the situation with them. Teach them about it. And get in that lecture on trusting God ;) And it gives us an open avenue to dialogue about it. About life. It creates an opportunity for me to mirror God’s grace and also get some insight into my kids. What’s going on with them, in their hearts and minds and moods? IT’S AWESOME!!!!! (AWESOME!!!!!!!)
And it can
start with little everyday things like boundaries, “These are Mommy’s. This is yours.” vs. “No,” with a million little giggles. (Seriously?!!! If it’s a joke when mama says, “no,” now, how
the heck do you teach them later that, “no,” it’s to be taken literally?!!!) “Don’t throw the ball.” vs. “Roll the ball.”;
“Stop throwing that at the pictures!” vs. “Let’s throw the ball here.” As they’ve gotten older, it’s translated to
positive statements like, “God gave you a strong and mighty will. You can do this.” (Can’t you hear the
positive tone?!!) vs. “Stop wiggling and
HOLD still!” (And the tired, oh so
tired, frustration – we’re human, too.) And,
“Use your words.” vs. “Stop whining!”
It’s grown into looking for the positive when teaching life
lessons. My one daughters LOVES
organizing. She routinely reorganizes
during play time! In fact, she was so
excited to move because, “Everything is organized and orderly.” (Sorry, kid.
I’m moving with ya!) So when
she’s frustrated with her sisters about “touching” her stuff and “messing it
up” instead of saying, “Don’t be so selfish!” we get to talk about her
gift. “God’s given you a gift of
organization. It can bring order and
peace. But if keeping things organized
becomes more important than people, then you’ve elevated it to a god. God gave you this gift to serve others and
His kingdom, not just yourself.” It’s
training them to see the world and figure it out; to ENGAGE with it. We have the great opportunity to shape our
children’s outlook on life! To set the
tone as we navigate with them and teach them about this big world.
So, I’ve
learned. Instead of screeching at my kid
through clenched teeth and furrowed eyebrows, “Stop being so MEAN to your
sister!!!” I can (in a good moment)
stare. Eyes large. Jaw dropped.
Hand to the chest. Aghast. “Is that being KIND to your Sissy?” My shock at their behavior usually pricks
their tender hearts and they are quick to admit guilt (sometimes using words)
and apologize. I love this. My shock at their behavior. Like I have an EXPECTATION of their
kindness! Rather than an exploding
frustration at their being a child still.
But let’s
switch gears a bit. Let’s talk about the
undertone we create for our family as we navigate this new world with
them. I’ve seen this affect so much more
in my home over the last 6 years than just, “saying the positive.” It’s more than the eternal mommy voice in
their heads. It’s changed our
attitudes. My reactions (and responses,
too. Sometimes I have those.) It’s
changed how we see the world and, consequently, how we see each other. Don’t get me wrong, it felt like I was
thinking inside out and backwards when I first started. My face was probably all contorted. The words probably came out haltering and
flat. But I learned it and I’m SOOOOOOOO
THANKFUL!!!!! (Stopping to cry
now.) I’m SO thankful!!! It felt empowering! Like, “Yeah.
I did it. I figured how to
address that situation with a positive.
Yay me!” It created a positive in
me as well. I was raising kids to take
on the world!!! That creates a much
different emotional climate internally than that inner sigh of exhaustion from
fighting against these little monsters all day long!!! So for me, instead of freaking out over every
little thing and perpetuating that sense of panic to my children, learning to
say the positive has really been an instructional tool in my own life as well.
Think about
the milk. “Don’t spill the milk!” vs.
“Carry the milk carefully.” The, “don’t,”
communicates fear. I’m scared they will
spill it. I’m worried they will make a
mess. Then I’ll have to stop ***AGAIN***
and clean it up. (Let’s just put it out
there right now: the fact that most moms
don’t sound like sailors is a miracle in and of itself!!! Give yourself a little high five or pat on
the back because you are rocking it, Mama!!!)
It could stain the carpet! It
could delay the timetable. I won’t be
able to attend other children (volume control). We will be out of milk and out
of cash!!! But if I can say the
positive, “Carry the milk carefully,” then I’m communicating confidence! “I think you are big enough to handle
this. You got this. You are being helpful. I’m counting on you. You can contribute.” The attitude in the home becomes one of
encouragement instead of fear; building up instead of expectations of
failure. How powerful is
THAT?!!!!???!!!! It changes the way we
think. The way we engage. The way we talk. It changes the voices in our heads. Our expectations. The way we love and care for each other. I’ve seen it change the pulse of our
home. It IS that powerful!!!!!
So which
would you rather?
POSITIVE. POSITIVE.
POSITIVE.
or
NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE.
NEGATIVE.
BUT WHAT IF THE
MILK DOES SPILL???
GOOD! Then we have a learning opportunity. You get to love them with, “That’s ok,
Honey. You’re learning. Thanks for doing your best. Let’s use both hands next time, OK? Here, try it again. WITH both hands!!! … Way
to go, Bud! Give me five!” I know that’s a lot of time spent over
spilled milk, but those kiddos are worth EVERY investment we have to make in
them!!! And let’s be honest, we’ll spend
just as much energy fuming and sopping up spilled milk in frustration as we
would talking through it calmly. But in
the end, we have created two VERY different emotional climates for everyone to
live in!!! Also, I’ve either calmed
myself down or worked myself up. (That
internal climate will come out! Ever
heard, “More’s caught than taught”?
Yeah. There’s a reason that’s a
saying.) I, personally, have enjoyed
learning to see the world with a bigger sense of purpose, and with less of the
negative freak out that so naturally runs the hamster wheel in my head. It’s my greatest hope that this advice will bring
life to your home as well!!!
